1. Bikini Jeans
You shouldn’t have to get a wax to put on a pair of jeans. At least they had the decency to put the zipper on the side!
2. Hoods That Attach to Any Collared shirt
These may look like the fashion equivalent of amputated limbs, but to the makers of Lonehoods, they are “the greatest clothing invention since the condom.”
3. Wallets You Carry Inside Your Bra
Psst! I think I can see your nipple through your bra. Oh wait, never mind. It’s just your house key. You got any gum in there?
4. Hooded Thongs
“Coming to a head and crotch near you,” says Hood Thong's site. Is that a threat?
Hooded Thong, Dan Monick
5. Hoodies With Earbud Drawstrings
Haven’t you always wanted headphones you could chuck in the wash? No? Are you sure? What is it about hoodies that makes them such fruitful ground for pointless innovation?
6. Plastic High-Heel Protectors
I’m not saying there isn’t a need for this sort of thing, but sticking a giant rubber blob on your heel isn’t exactly low profile, especially not when it’s covered in glitter. I literally never thought I would say this, but sometimes glitter is not the answer.
7. Bras That Double as Face Masks
Well, that’s one way to get people to pay attention to the in-flight safety videos. “Please secure your own bra mask before assisting others. Breathe normally. Oxygen is flowing, even if the cup does not fully inflate.”
The Emergency Bra by Dr. Elena Bodnar
8. Face-Distorting Jewelry
Jewelry that takes the work out of duck-faced selfies.
9. Bra Gun Holsters
Because you were totally looking for a new way to accidentally shoot your breast off.
10. Hair-Drying Shoes
They take air in from the sidewalk and pump it directly onto your hair. Who knew innovation and dog pee smelled so similar?
11. Barefoot Chainmail Shoes
Finally! A barefoot running shoe for the Renaissance-fair set. Don’t forget to rust-proof!
12. Tubular Life-Jacket Bodysuits
This is what happens when you try to channel your love of balloon animals into aquatic safety.
13. Custom Rubber Slippers You Make at Home by Dipping Your Foot Into Molten PVC
Just make sure you crack a window and turn on a fan before taking them off. Rubber + bare foot + zero ventilation = WMD-level foot odor. Excuse me. I just threw up in my mouth a little.